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Fat is Not a Feeling By Stacey Nye, PhD, FAED
Do you ever feel fat? You know, you wake up in the morning and suddenly feel fat. The day before you might have even worn your thin clothes, but on this day, none of your clothes look good on you, no matter what you put on, and before you know it your whole wardrobe is in a pile on the floor in front of the mirror. Now you know it is impossible to gain 100 pounds overnight, yet you cannot deny this "feeling" that you are HUGE. What's up with that?
Do you ever have a bad hair day? You know, you wake up in the morning and you can’t do a thing with your hair? No matter what you do your hair just looks off. Either it’s too flat, or too poofy, or something is sticking out funny. The more you fuss with it, the worse it gets. Well, does anyone else ever notice you’re having a bad hair day? Do any of your friends ever come up to you and go “Oh my gosh, what happened to your hair? It looks awful!” No! Actually, I’ve noticed that people tend to go out of their way to complement you on a bad hair day. What’s up with that? And what does it have to do with feeling fat?
Well, my theory is that feeling fat and/or having a bad hair day are part of the same phenomenon-the product of an internal bad feeling that gets projected out onto our appearance. “No,” you protest, “I really am fat, I must have gained weight overnight, and everyone can see it!” Well, on a fat day, does anyone else ever notice? Do any of your friends come up to and go “Oh my gosh, you look so fat! Did you gain a ton of weight?” Unlikely. And if they do, go find some new friends.
Technically, one cannot feel fat any more than one can feel yellow. Fat is not a feeling and this is something that I tell my patients all of the time. Thoughts of fatness (the linguistically accurate phrase being "I think I am fat") can often be a common denominator for a variety of powerful forces, especially dysphoric moods. The problem comes when a person is unable to decipher these moods and they get condensed into a final common denominator-feeling fat. In fact, the reason that the thought that one is fat can be so strong is that it may be the only emotion that one is reading-I feel fat, a little or a lot. The technical term for this is Alexithymia-not being able to read feelings. Learning to accurately identify emotions can then help one to develop coping mechanisms to deal with emotional distress. Life will become better and body image will likely improve, as well.
“But I am fat!” you continue to protest. Even if you are fat, your actual weight is likely not what leads you to feel fat one minute and not the next, and not the problem that needs to be dealt with at the time. Just like the problem with gambling is not the cards, and the problem with compulsive shopping is not the stores, the problem with feeling fat is not literal fatness, but the painful emotional state within.
Try taking the word fat out of your vocabulary and rephrase the statement. If you couldn’t say “I fee fat”, what other words would you use? Hungry, anxious, angry, sad, bored, lonely? This becomes an essential distinction because what you do about being fat is different than what you do about being angry, sad, anxious, bored, or lonely. Moreover, what you do to lose weight, like going on a diet (which by the way, doesn’t work, but that’s another article), or bingeing and purging, will not help with being angry, sad, anxious, bored or lonely. It will only make things worse because now you will have 2 problems-disordered eating and the original issue that led you to feel fat in the first place.
So, the next time you feel fat, slow down the process, and see what else may be going on. Try to examine what happened just before you started feeling fat. Are you irritated with a loved one? When you change the phrase “I feel fat” to “I feel angry”, you can work on coping with anger by learning how to be assertive and set appropriate boundaries. Maybe the stressor is something that you are anticipating, like a big exam or a work deadline. When the phrase is changed to “I feel anxious”, you can learn to cope with anxiety by using relaxation techniques to help calm you down. Maybe you are tired-the appropriate coping response would be to take a nap. Not eating or overeating at any of these times would be like putting a bandage on a broken leg-it may feel like you are doing something, it may even feel better for a moment, but it doesn’t change the fact that there is still a problem that needs to be dealt with. And, as with the broken leg, ignoring the original problem will not make it go away and often will just make it worse-like your leg may need to be reset, or your loved one may continue to take advantage of you, etc.
If you are unsure how to cope, consider what you might say to a small child that you care about. If they came to you and told you that one of their friends hurt their feelings, would you tell them to go on a diet? Would you tell them to eat a gallon of ice cream? Of course not! You would encourage them to cry if they were sad, and maybe even help them figure out how to tell their friend how they felt. Even if the “friend” called this child fat, the appropriate response would never be to cut out carbs or eat until they feel sick.
In summary, bad hair day or feeling fat-before reaching for Dr. Phil’s new book or the cookie dough, slow down, back up and try to figure out what you are really feeling. Once you do that, you can work on a real solution, not just a panacea. Your relationships and productivity will improve when you deal with them directly. If you still need a new hairstyle after that, then go for it!
Stacey Nye is a Clinical Psychologist and Founding Fellow of the Academy for Eating Disorders. She does individual and group psychotherapy specializing in eating disorders, body image, depression, anxiety and women’s issues. Her practice is in Mequon.
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